Its confusing(by design) and you know there's something that just doesn't feel quite right about it, but you have no baseline to whatever the hell it may be that you are organizing for or why, but for some reason it has to be done. So, without thinking and believing its the right thing to do, you do it. And you do it, and you do it, seems like no end in sight. You'll be doing this forever. Youve been doing this for months now and finally you get up the nerve to ask, why the fuck am I doing this?
The simple answer is, you've been groomed. Groomed to not ask questions and operate on the principle of being a people pleaser because it makes your parents look good. It makes you look like you've been raised acceptable. It'll make the family look good because you do without questioning it, but it makes the neighbors think youve been raised right, like your parents know what they're doing.
If you don't, when other people get out of ear shot, you'll be called all kinds of stupid, you'll be ridiculed and be told you're good for nothing, your siblings will be told to ignore you because you're stupid, you'll be triangulated with them and they will be incited to fight you. There's no allegiance amongst narcissist and family members. Family is just as usable and disposable as anyone to the narcissist, family members just happen to be enablers and conveniences to the narcissist. They maintain a soft place to fall to the narc. This is better known as supply.
But here in this example, we are talking about the beginning of the end to a new beginning. How did I get from there to here to back there and now back here again? From childhood through teenage years to my 20's, 30's, 40's and now 50's, what the hell has happened to my life?
Abuse isn't always seen as bruises and broken bones, but broken people, whose mindsets have been left in pieces and chips, people who seem to have no clue on how to interact when they've been hurt in the mind, when your belief system from the time you were born is that you are worthless and not worth listening to.
When you are 5-6 years old, playing outside of your house with the neighborhood kids, and the block teenage bully grabs your hand and tells your mother who is standing at the door, that he's taking you for a walk, but she does nothing. He then walks you down the street, far away from your home and directs you into the driveway of a house. He then lifts you up to peak in a window, lifts up your dress, and begins doing something you don't understand but your bottom and legs feel wet.
He then walks you back to your home and discards your hand in front of your house where your mother is still standing in the doorway. I'm not crying, I feel numb because I don't understand what happened or why my mother would let this happen to me. Was I supposed to let this happen to me? Did my mother think this was ok? I didn't know what to feel, my mother, didn't react. She did nothing. And so it was, nothing. Nothing happened, she didn't ask any questions or what he did to me, just nothing. Like nothing ever happened. At 5-6 years old, I wondered, why? Over time I didn't understand what I was supposed to feel. I knew I felt an anger toward my mother, but I didn't know why. I was confused of my place, what it all means and biggest question, why?
When a child is damaged in an adult way, it changes who they are and who they are to become. It changes the direction they take in life, it muddles the choices they make based upon the worth and value established in them from a parent's guidance as a child through adulthood.
When a child is damaged from a stranger while a parent is apathetically looking on, what is a child to think when the parent is supposed to be the protector? What happens within that child from that event moving forward when no action or resolve takes place?
The confusion sets in, bit by bit anger and sadness develops, little by little you feel hopeless, you keep being told you're stupid, the acting out and rebellion ensues, all because I didn't know, why.
In an article by Dr Bruce Lipton called Happy Healthy Child; A Holistic Approach dated February 7, 2012, he states,
The moment a child is born, its function is to recognize the faces of the mother and father—first thing he does. Within a couple of days, the child can clearly distinguish the mother’s and father’s face from all other faces. The child also learns to distinguish the characteristics of the face. Is the face happy or scared or afraid? The child learns this within the first couple of weeks. Ever after, in the early developmental stages of this child, any time he has an issue or concern or comes across something new in his environment, there’s an instinctual pattern where the child looks at his mother or father and observes what their face says. So, if the child is in front of something dangerous and then looks at his parent and the parent has a look of being worried or frightened, the child immediately knows that whatever he is looking at, according to the mother or father, is dangerous. The child will instantly avoid that thing. On the other hand, if the look on his parents face is happy, smiling, conveying that everything’s wonderful, then the child will experiment and play with whatever the new thing is in his environment. The child observes and gauges the world through the parents’ responses, and uses them as a reference point. If the parents are living in fear or concern or anxiety, the child is learning exactly what the parents’ fears and anxieties are, and this becomes the behavioral program in that child’s subconscious mind. The child is learning his fundamental habits, not from his own personal experience, but from observing and downloading the habits and experiences that the parents are presenting to him. Again, this is nature’s way of downloading a tremendous quantity of data about our civilization at any time. You can’t put this in the genes; if these behaviors were programmed in the genes and evolution and the development of civilization changes, then the genes would not install the optimal programs.
He further states in his article called The Biology of Love dated March 6, 2012
In fact, Lipton reports, “medicine has acknowledged that illness is
seeded in the first six years of life when beliefs are downloaded by the
family into the child’s subconscious.” During these years, children’s
minds are primarily in a theta brain wave pattern, which creates a
hypnagogic state of mind. This trance state explains why children easily
blur the boundary between fantasy and form. Walking around in a
trance, young children absorb their parent’s beliefs into subconscious
memory without question or discernment.
Lipton explains how these subconscious downloads work by comparing
them to an iPod. When you get a new iPod, there are no recordings,
so you can’t play anything. Once you download songs to memory, you
can play the downloaded songs. In fact, they are the only songs you
can play. There are plenty of other choices for songs, but you can’t
play them on your iPod until you download them. Similarly, whatever
has been downloaded into our subconscious memory and stored in
our cells is the only choice available to be heard and seen in the body.
Other choices are not possible until they are downloaded as beliefs and
perception into the subconscious. Thus, we automatically act out our
parents’ beliefs, unless we are exposed to other beliefs or intentionally
seed new beliefs.
Lipton points out that the biggest problem is that people don’t believe
they can change their minds and beliefs very easily. He suggests that
if we teach our children in their first 6 years that they can change their
minds and thus their bodies, an empowering shift to love and vitality
can become easy.
So, the key phrase for me in the article is, "unless we are exposed to other beliefs or intentionally seed new beliefs. I have no idea or recollection what triggered me some 30+ years later to realize something was off about my childhood, my parents and their apathy responses to things that required action. No idea what made me think of all the rotten relationships I've been in and why I chose them, why I let my ex partners abuse me, why I felt like a doormat, and eventually, where I found any crumb of self worth to abandon all I had to leave with not so much as $60 in my wallet and over $500k of debt dumped on me by an ex husband.We don't know what we think we know, and when you know better you do better. All my life I've been guided by a convoluted subset of rules and beliefs, I didn't know my ass from my elbow, because who guided me didn't know theirs or much less cared. I had no idea what purpose or what I was meant to do or should be doing in life. I had the worst guiding mentors available, and not by choice but by fate.
With more than half my life over, I think I finally figured out the problem, and now I'm starting over. Trying to begin again, in love with myself in a healthy way where I know I have value to humanity, I have a goal greater than myself, to give service to others who may be in a fog like I was, to help them stand up on their feet, to not be ashamed of their experience, but learn from it in a way that allows the real you to shine through proudly, with strength.
Being ambiently abused distorts your own reality, where you have no idea whats real and whats not. The haze is so thick, trying to understand whats normal and whats not. You're left feeling sad and broken, you can't figure out how to explain how you feel or where it all began.
I had been seeking help since something was triggered in my awareness in 2006. I had been researching ever since to figure out what was going on and why I had been attracting all that has happened to me. There's much more to my story, so much more. I'm finally getting to purge myself of the shame and let it all out. My truth is setting me free. After the beginning, in the here and now, I am confused no more. And so it was...
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