People think being "emotional" or "sensitive" is a bad thing. Being emotional gets a bad rap these days, and I struggle to understand why.(Me being an empath, I'm proud I'm "emotional")
I've always been a thinker, an analyzer of sorts, I question everything because I want to know the how's and the why's. I want the truth. Even when I'm in pain, all I want to know is why.
Growing up I've always been a people pleaser. Always trying to please people, even strangers, especially strangers, because I was taught that being nice, and giving up your dignity makes you look good. My parents were always concerned with "how" the picture looks rather than the content. So as long as you look the part of a cohesive family to outsiders and extended relatives, the content of how my parents typically would triangulate us siblings against each other for their sick amusement shouldn't be questioned, the way they would watch us slam, bully, belittle, humiliate and violate each other didn't matter, the fact that my parents never guided, nurtured or encouraged us in any way didn't matter but as long as we can fake it, we were safe until the next family get together.
I began to see this is the criteria of how I would choose to attract and be attracted to narcissistic people; for boyfriends, friends, co-workers, I could see how they showed up in my life because that was the foundation laid out for me from the time I was a child. It's all I knew that I thought was right. If I picked out a boyfriend my father would like, I felt like I did good. Even if he would mistreat me, physically abuse me, verbally abuse me, I felt like I did good, because my father liked him. My father would even engage in conversation with my boyfriends about how "difficult" I was. Like he was encouraging them to abuse me, like giving his permission.
Early on, without realizing it, being a people pleaser started with always trying to please my parents. Getting praise for some of the most simplest things means the world to you, but means not much to very little to the narc. Them seeing you break your neck to please them, pleases them. And break your neck you will, because you can never do enough for a narc to be completely pleased with you.
You will always be mediocre at best, no matter how hard you try. Narcissists' take sick, twisted joy in your pain, your agony, your distress. If you are a family member, its easier because you are a personal doormat and proverbial punching bag. Particularly within the nucleus(immediate) family, this is where the most damage takes place. No one outside the family can see the ambient abuse going on, but they do see the effects of it, when they see your siblings and yourself haven't evolved or have not had any personal growth and maturity, and wonder why your family seems strange and no one can quite put their finger on, "whats up with these people." Believe it or not, that's what I used to get from the neighbors, relatives, many people asking ME why are my parents and siblings so strange.
Like how would I know at 13 years old why anyone is anything? I never questioned it because its the only template I had, its all I know. But, I did have a "feeling"about it. I always had a feeling, but because its my family I'm loyal to them just because. Not that they were loyal to me, but I had an innate instinct to be loyal and compliant.
Eventually, that changed. It had to change. Change always comes when you least want it and expect it, but always right on time. To wake you up, to enlighten you and guide you to your inner most thoughts. To answer those questions, and take you where you are to afraid to go and confront. To say wait a minute, this doesn't feel quite correct, I need to know whats wrong with this picture.
Change makes you face it and deal with it. When you're an empath, you feel before you react or speak. You always know what you know, but you need some kind of confirmation, a way of affirming you're on the right path, a way of knowing yeah, thats right, thats it! You gotta know for sure so you know.
But for the majority of my life, I never questioned but always looked up to my parents, for worse and never better but because they were my parents. Even when I felt belittled and emotionally hurt by them, I was groomed to. I believed all that they told me, even the little lies and half truths, the stupid rationalization of things they just made up because they just didn't know an answer to a question, but faked it to make themselves looked like they knew. Many times I felt very alone, unnurtured, like no one understood me or even cared to listen to me. I felt invisible. All I wanted was to be understood, you didn't have to agree with me, just understand me and my feelings. Hear me.
So, based on that foundation, that's how I choose partners. I chose subconsciously, being attracted to the same thing I was used to; men like my dad, misogynist, verbally abusive, emotionally cold, a numb exterior and a know it all, I'm a fake expert at nothing but I'll pretend I'm grand and better than most, uncaring of others and laughing at others demise type of men.
That's what I chose on a consistent basis. I never knew my self worth because I was never taught to have any, so I always chose according to what I innately believed was right. I followed the perceived pattern. It wasn't until I got married to a covert narcissist that I started questioning things, the whys of things, because his behavior, or my perception of what I believed what a marriage was supposed to be like, didn't match up.
It was confusing and I did all I could(the people pleasing) to make it work. I gave all of myself, lost my dignity for a marriage that was never meant to last. From day one it never stood a chance. And realizing that any relationship that I ever had in the past would never last because the foundation of my belief, expectation, perception was distorted because of the template of my relationship foundation.
It was that marriage that was pivotal in my enlightenment. The defining experience that would change everything. It was the worst yet the best thing that ever happened to me because had I not been so emotionally and psychologically broken to the point of destruction, I probably would have continued seeking and embarking on relationships like that until it consumed me to the point of suicide.
No one said enlightenment is a positive experience, its an eye-opening experience. One that makes you see things with new eyes, opens your mind to view things differently like you hadn't before. It forces you to acknowledge the real truth in front of you and stop making excuses for it. It helps to create a new you from the inside out.
Breaking free from the mold you perceived as being the template of a false life is freeing. Its like finally being able to breath and appreciating each breath without any anxiety. Without feeling like at any moment you are going to be put down and judged, told you're stupid and that you're crazy. Truly like a weight off your shoulders.
Being abused by covert narcissist, literally helped me make a real new me, one that I was proud of, with no validation needed. I was forced to break through the abuse in order to break the mold I had known my entire life. I was forced to take a good hard look at what I thought I loved and know that these people have deep rooted hate and projection of all that they aren't and never could be.
Once becoming enlightened, it shattered everything I tried so dear to hold on to. I went through all the stages of grief, the cognitive dissonance, and now I'm here. I'm no longer attached to things that hurt me. I no longer try to seek happiness in places it can never be found. My happiness now comes from within me, no mold necessary.
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